I've decided to write more about my #griefjourney and help people who have been through early and complicated bereavement as well. It's not only nice to talk about my journey and help people understand me better but also to connect with those who might need my words too.
Today I'd like to bring up the physical side of grief.
Grief hits like a ton of bricks and no matter what, not only does it take a toll on your mental health but also your physical health.
When I lost my little sister, I didn't eat for a couple days. I cried for 48 hours straight and doing anything that forced me off the couch or out of my bed was uncomfortable. My eyes were so swollen I couldn't really open them. My throat hurt from screaming from pain. My chest took a beating too. It felt like all the air was forced out of me and it was hard to breathe (I blame my anxiety for this one too) and a constant lump was in my throat (and still is even four months later).
It got to the point where my dad and stepmom would order or make my favourite foods to entice me to eat. Even then I had no appetite. I felt weak and devastatingly empty. I lost about 10 pounds in a week and a half.
I was developing and heightening my depression. It's really difficult to say out loud that I suffer from depression, but I do and grief makes it worse.
The life kind of gets vacuumed out of you. You can see it in your eyes, the way you move and the way you react to things. I look at photos of myself before all of this and I don't see that now. But you work a little bit everyday to feel better and get healthier.
The day I got back to work I worried about how I looked, I worried about how others would see me and I still can't believe how hard I am on myself. I remember the bartender saying I looked great and asked if I had been working out. To me, it made me notice my weight loss from not eating and not taking care of myself and I felt terrible.
My stomach cramps everyday from the stress, but not as bad as January. Your body just aches. Your soul aches. It's the most insane and uncomfortable feeling.
Four months later I've gained 15 pounds back. I am still not taking care of my health as well as I should but I know now it was for the better. I've always been small but it still bothers me to gain weight even when I need to. However, the life still feels like it was taken from my eyes.
I have taken an absolute beating from grief but I am slowly working on it.
I am trying to be more body positive everyday and look at the beauty of my strength and not my weaknesses. I am trying to be more accepting of what happened to me and how my body reacted. I tell myself that I am the best I can be right now and that is okay. I want you all to know how thankful I am for the constant support I have gotten through this and continue to get. You all are wonderful.
Be kind to each other and love deeply, you don't know the beautiful impact it has on people like me.
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